Sometimes I go back and read old blogs, old journal entries
(all three of them), old tweets, old letters, just to remember who I am. It’s
not that I forget. No. It’s more just that I need to be reminded. So much
happens day-to-day in this small life of mine that it is easy to lose track
sometimes.
There are a handful of fictional characters I often compare
myself to in a loose sort of way. My favorite and probably most wishful is
Kathleen Kelly.
This is of no surprise to you if you’ve known me long. And if it does surprise
you, then I hope the comparison makes sense in retrospect.
There is a particular monologue that ties me to her more
than any other part of her story (except for, perhaps, her appreciation of
sushi and garnishes and children’s books).
She sits down to her computer one night, shrouded in thought and wrapped
in a sweater and she writes this to her dearest friend,
“Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life -
well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like
it, or because I haven't been brave?”
I think of that so often. Particularly the part about her
life being small but valuable. It’s how I feel about my own life. I have no
need to become famous. No desire to make millions of dollars or to travel the
world. But what I do want is for my life to be valuable. I’ve learned a lot
about what it means to have value over the last six months or so. It’s been an
interesting experience. And the more I learn, the more I find I am reminding
others. It seems we all wonder about our value.
No, I don’t think I’ve been particularly brave. I think I
live my small life because I have been safe. And yes, I am doing stuff and
making choices and pursuing things that are less safe
just like I told you Iwould. (For example: I am writing to you from my bed in my new apartment in a
Chicago neighborhood. Baby steps.) But I still have a lot of brave to learn.
What I have, though, is so valuable. My life is worth
something. And what is fantastic about that is that I have nothing to do with
it. My life has value because I am one with Christ because He wants me to be.
My life has value because God has given me people I do not deserve. My life has
value because I have been gifted with talents and skills that I can use for a
better end. My life has value because coffee smells so good and the color
yellow shines so brightly and music sounds so intricately and the internet is
flooded with kittens in various types of clothing. My life has value because
elephants exist and because I am not in control.
I think we find our value in all the wrong things.
That was a blanket statement. Sorry. Here:
I believe that all too often, modern western culture, myself included, places
its value in things that are insignificant in the greater span of time.
The value of our lives is not from ourselves. We play a key
role in these existence we are gifted with, but we are not the star and we are
not the only part that matters. I have been told time after time to live my life
for myself, to take care of myself and leave other people and things and cares
for another time. But that just seems wrong. We are created for a purpose and
that purpose could not possibly revolve around ourselves. We have value because
God says we do. We have value because we are made in the image of the God of
the universe. We have value that is
inherently ours. It is so much deeper than any amount of likes or faves or
retweets could ever attribute to us.
Your life. No matter how small. No matter what role you play
in it. No matter what role other people play in it. Is valuable. Anyone who
tells you differently is selling something.
