Muchier Muchness

In high school, you look in the mirror, secretly wishing that someone else will look back at you. Someone different than who you perceive you are. You would give anything for your teeth to be a little straighter, your arms to be a little more toned, for your hair to fall the right way. You discern that your identity is determined by who looks back at you from the mirror. You’re always disappointed that it’s just you in there. No matter how hard you try to beat your reflection to the mirror, it always greets you. And it’s always you.

In college, it’s very much the same. You wake up, roll out of your bed, stumble across your dorm room, and flip the light on. Half alive you turn to the mirror to deduce what must be done to make yourself socially acceptable. You’ve come to expect nothing. It’s just you on the other side of the glass, and that’s ok. You’re content with this now. You’ve accepted it. You can’t really change it. You can cut your hair or change your eyeliner, but it’s still you staring back in the morning.  

But, one night when you’re tired and a little hungry but also a decidedly too lazy to do anything about either  one of those things, you’ll look in the mirror and be surprised by the reflection. It’s still you…but it’s…you? This weird version of you that you haven’t seen before. *tap tap* Hello? Did I miss something?

The nose is the same, the eyes still can’t decide on a color, that one tooth is still quite out of place. But something’s… different. Unsure of the change you give yourself pardon to look a little longer. Is it the new hairstyle? No. The almost tan? Uh uh. It’s deeper than that. Muchier than that.

Muchness? Is that really what this spiral of thought is coming down to? A reference to a movie I don’t even particularly enjoy? Muchiness. Alright. Fine. Let’s go with that.

It’s like suddenly you’ve become a muchier version of yourself.  You’ve got more than grades and politics defining you. More than music taste and denomination.  You’re not even sure what it is. But you know that somehow you’ve become something different. Something better? Hopefully.  You’ve always known that you look like your dad, but for the first time you see your mom in your face. (I hope you’ve accepted by now that the “you” is actually me. Sorry for any confusion. But if you’ve seen your mother in your face recently, that’s good.) That’s enough to make it not scary. “Ok,” you think. “I can do this. This ‘adult’ thing. I presume that’s what this is. I’m almost 23, so it’s probably time I become an adult, right?”

It’s not even that you’ve decided to be an adult, like when you’re 13 and you now have a “teen” behind your name, which means you know all the things. It’s like you’ve only just now realized that you’ve grown up and you’ve almost graduated college and you are an adult now, darn it, I don’t care if you don’t like it. But you don’t really like it. Unlike when you’re 13, you don’t know everything. You know more than you’d like to, actually, and quite not enough of what you should know. But, none the less, new adult you is looking back at you.

But, what’s that? Is that confidence? Shoot. Your reflection has time-given confidence and that means you have it too. There’s no looking back now. You’re an adult and you have to act like it. Well, ok, so you’re a grown up and you have to add grown up things to your schedule.

Now I guess it’s time for the moral/point, right? Let’s see…

You’re still you in the mirror. The same you that was there when you were 14.  You’re still very aware of the flaws but -- you have found a way to be confident in them. You can’t beat yourself to the mirror. It’s always going to be you looking back.  You may not always like the parts of you, the “flaws.” But that’s normal.  (Those “flaws”, by the way, are probably only deemed such by some silly celebrity of sorts, and I wouldn’t worry about them. They’re beautiful. ) Just make sure you always like the person that is looking back at you. Let your reflection surprise you with good things. But never let someone look back at you that you aren’t proud to call your reflection.

**My blogs have turned personal and introspective lately. I think this might start happening from time-to-time. Just a head's up. ALSO: The Mulan-likeness of this post did not escape me, I just couldn't work it in.**