The Beginning of the End

Just another average day at Moody Bible Institute.

Class, chapel, chat, class, lunch, class, class, chat, meeting, meeting, dinner, library, people, sleep.  

Rinse.
Repeat.

A long night ahead, I scurry to Dunkin before the 99 cent special ends,  return to campus and begin my descent to the Library below. I round the corner expecting to see a friend at the desk… he isn’t there. That’s right, he graduated…

That’s ok, just one difference. I can do that. This week has gone by so quickly and so much has happened, I haven’t had to think about how much is changed. But little things begin to stick out.

I weave my way through the back of the library. It’s time to become reacquainted with my usual spot. A comfortable, famil…They’ve rearranged the furniture. And added bookshelves.  Ok. Breathe. Just another little change. No big.

The quiet of the library makes my mind race, finally dealing with the events of the day, the week, the Summer. Do I really have to face life now? I have so much homework to do! Can’t I just process in January after I graduate? I think that’s a really great plan.

It’s too late. The little changes have sparked a revolution in my reluctant mind. Every change, every familiar face gone, every brand new freshman that I am pretty sure is still 14. It all hits. SLAM. Done.

I burry my head in my hands and reach for the nearest bit of God I can grasp. “I rest me in the thought

of rocks and trees, of skies and seas; His hand the wonders wrought.”

A bit of break. The eye of the storm.

What’s this? Channel change? Oh good. My mind, a thing of its own, has progressed to life after Moody. What will I do? Who will I be? Where will I go? What will I have left behind? It probably doesn’t help that Kammerzelt reminded my Senior Seminar class today that all of our plans and dreams are likely futile. Senior Sem… that’s right. I have to write a paper for that. And I have to read for another class. I have homework to do.  So much homework.

A couple of friends visit, satisfying my need for community and providing much needed distraction. My brain settles, moving steadily back in to homework mode. I can breathe again. Back to homework and music and twitter and a handle on the peace that’s past all understanding.

 I think we’re gonna make it.

*Gets text. Checks email. Begins freak-out all over*

Happy last semester of college. Where God is good and change is hard.

Muchier Muchness

In high school, you look in the mirror, secretly wishing that someone else will look back at you. Someone different than who you perceive you are. You would give anything for your teeth to be a little straighter, your arms to be a little more toned, for your hair to fall the right way. You discern that your identity is determined by who looks back at you from the mirror. You’re always disappointed that it’s just you in there. No matter how hard you try to beat your reflection to the mirror, it always greets you. And it’s always you.

In college, it’s very much the same. You wake up, roll out of your bed, stumble across your dorm room, and flip the light on. Half alive you turn to the mirror to deduce what must be done to make yourself socially acceptable. You’ve come to expect nothing. It’s just you on the other side of the glass, and that’s ok. You’re content with this now. You’ve accepted it. You can’t really change it. You can cut your hair or change your eyeliner, but it’s still you staring back in the morning.  

But, one night when you’re tired and a little hungry but also a decidedly too lazy to do anything about either  one of those things, you’ll look in the mirror and be surprised by the reflection. It’s still you…but it’s…you? This weird version of you that you haven’t seen before. *tap tap* Hello? Did I miss something?

The nose is the same, the eyes still can’t decide on a color, that one tooth is still quite out of place. But something’s… different. Unsure of the change you give yourself pardon to look a little longer. Is it the new hairstyle? No. The almost tan? Uh uh. It’s deeper than that. Muchier than that.

Muchness? Is that really what this spiral of thought is coming down to? A reference to a movie I don’t even particularly enjoy? Muchiness. Alright. Fine. Let’s go with that.

It’s like suddenly you’ve become a muchier version of yourself.  You’ve got more than grades and politics defining you. More than music taste and denomination.  You’re not even sure what it is. But you know that somehow you’ve become something different. Something better? Hopefully.  You’ve always known that you look like your dad, but for the first time you see your mom in your face. (I hope you’ve accepted by now that the “you” is actually me. Sorry for any confusion. But if you’ve seen your mother in your face recently, that’s good.) That’s enough to make it not scary. “Ok,” you think. “I can do this. This ‘adult’ thing. I presume that’s what this is. I’m almost 23, so it’s probably time I become an adult, right?”

It’s not even that you’ve decided to be an adult, like when you’re 13 and you now have a “teen” behind your name, which means you know all the things. It’s like you’ve only just now realized that you’ve grown up and you’ve almost graduated college and you are an adult now, darn it, I don’t care if you don’t like it. But you don’t really like it. Unlike when you’re 13, you don’t know everything. You know more than you’d like to, actually, and quite not enough of what you should know. But, none the less, new adult you is looking back at you.

But, what’s that? Is that confidence? Shoot. Your reflection has time-given confidence and that means you have it too. There’s no looking back now. You’re an adult and you have to act like it. Well, ok, so you’re a grown up and you have to add grown up things to your schedule.

Now I guess it’s time for the moral/point, right? Let’s see…

You’re still you in the mirror. The same you that was there when you were 14.  You’re still very aware of the flaws but -- you have found a way to be confident in them. You can’t beat yourself to the mirror. It’s always going to be you looking back.  You may not always like the parts of you, the “flaws.” But that’s normal.  (Those “flaws”, by the way, are probably only deemed such by some silly celebrity of sorts, and I wouldn’t worry about them. They’re beautiful. ) Just make sure you always like the person that is looking back at you. Let your reflection surprise you with good things. But never let someone look back at you that you aren’t proud to call your reflection.

**My blogs have turned personal and introspective lately. I think this might start happening from time-to-time. Just a head's up. ALSO: The Mulan-likeness of this post did not escape me, I just couldn't work it in.**

It's My Favorite Part Because -- You'll See.

So.

Here’s the thing.

I am scared to death about my future.

I’m going to graduate from college in just a couple of months!

And then I’m going to…

Well. That’s where the fear kicks in. I don’t know what comes next.

See, I know God has a plan all set out for me. I don’t doubt for a second that He has already routed every path I’m going to choose. And I know He has pre-configured the coordinates into my feet for each step I am ever going to take. But that doesn't mean that I have any idea where I’m going.

I want to do radio. That’s not a secret to anyone who a) follows me on twitter b) has talked to me for more than three minutes. I've already begun researching jobs. I point out antiques and say things like, “That will be so cute in the apartment I am going to have!” I secretly practice radio things in my head and when I’m alone. I’m so excited at the prospect of jumping into radio and living on my own in my own little apartment and maybe getting a cat. Definitely getting a cat. Or a squirrel. We’ll see.

But, a midst the excitement, here’s the fear: What if I get a job in radio, but it’s in some state that I’m not even sure of the abbreviation for? What if I don’t live somewhere that is in my comfort zone? Or even, what if I live somewhere completely in my comfort zone?  I want adventure! In the great, wide somewhere! I want it more than I can tell! But, what if the adventure I want and the adventure God wants -- are different?  

I don’t think I have a resolution for you. Or for me, for that matter. I just thought I would share that I am scared about the future.  Not in a bad way. God’s in control. Just in a… scared way.

I am very small and God is very big and I will end up precisely where He means for me to. 

That’s what I need to remind myself of, and that should be quite enough.